🔥Fireside Chat: Solid, Healthy Boundaries.
Growing up in Colombia, I was bullied at school, cheated on by girlfriends, and disrespected by bosses.
I resented them all until I moved to Canada and experienced the same patterns:
- Fights at nightclubs
- Broken promises from women
- Poor treatment from roommates and coworkers.
I used to think I'd just been unlucky to know a few horrible people back home..
But when changing countries didn't change my experience with love, work, and friendship, I realized the common factor wasn't the place or the people.
It was me.
I was playing a role in my own boundaries being crossed and -until I addressed that- I'd keep attracting the same trouble wherever I went.
(By the way, a lack of healthy boundaries and feeling guilty saying "no" are often side-effects of a father wound. I'm hosting a workshop this Thursday for those who want to heal it. Click Here for more details. 150+ people have already registered!)
Today, nobody treats me with disrespect or tries to cross my boundaries, NOT because I'm punishing or vindictive, but because I embody self-respect.
This naturally filters who I relate to, do business with, and spend time with.
Here's what I wish I'd known in my 20s about creating solid, healthy boundaries:
First.. boundaries are not walls to keep people out.
They’re the front door to your home.
A front door that says:
- Who is welcome (friends, deliveries, loved ones).
- When they can come in (visiting hours).
- How they should treat your space (shoes off, no smoking..).
Without a door, anyone can walk in.
But with a bullet-proof, locked and bolted door no one gets in! (even the ones you want).
So healthy boundaries allow you to create better connections and ensure that everyone invited knows how to treat your space, so they have a great time and you feel like inviting them in again.
First Principles of Boundaries:
1. Your needs are the compass
- Boundaries protect what matters to you. (time, energy, safety, values..)
- So if you don’t know what matters, you won’t know where to put the door.
- If you find it hard to set boundaries with someone, start with this: "What do I value that is missing in this interaction?"
2. Boundaries Without Consequences Are Just Wishes
- “Please knock before coming in” means nothing if you let people walk in anyway.
- A boundary without a consequence is an empty hope or cry-wolf
3. A Boundary Is About Your Behavior, Not Theirs
- You can’t control others.. You control what you do when your boundary is crossed.
- Boundaries are not about "I'm not okay with you hanging out with your girlfriends." a boundary is never about telling the other person how to behave.. (more on that below!)
The “If → Then” Rule
This is a simple format to follow:
- If you speak to me in a raised voice, then I will end the conversation and wait until you've regulated yourself before I'm willing to engage.
- If you continue lying about big and small things, then I will start to reconsider how safe I feel to co-create a future together.
- If you send me work on my days off, then I will not open it and will get back to you on my next work day.
OR “When you do X, I will do Y.”
- “When you share gossip with me, I will change the subject.”
- “When you call after 10 PM, I won’t answer and will reply the next day.”
- “When you interrupt me as I'm sharing something, I will stop speaking and end the conversation until it is clear you want to listen.”
Boundaries are like the airport security gate:
It is there because they value safety, not because they hate people.
So remember this next time someone makes you feel guilty for drawing a boundary..
Your boundary does not mean that you dislike them or want to control the interaction or punish them, but that you value healthy connections so much that you are willing to protect them.
Garden fences are built not because we hate deers, but because we would love to see the flowers bloom.
Bottom line:
A healthy boundary is simply a clear line plus a consistent action (consequence) when crossed.
Every “no” to others is a “yes” to your own peace..
And long term, a "yes" to a GREAT relationship!
Hope you liked this Boundaries 101 email today,
With you on the path,
Nico.
PS: I'm hosting "Break the cycle - The Father Wound" workshop this Thursday. If you have a hard time with the emotional aspect of saying "No" and you constantly attract misaligned partners, critical bosses/friends/lovers and you tend to chase validation externally.. chances are that there's unresolved business with your father.
Join The Father Wound Workshop.
We're closing registrations soon.
150+ people have already registered ❤️
