🔥Fireside Chat: My biggest mistake
When I separated from my wife, there was a thought I replayed over and over in my head Reader.
"How did this happen?"
See, my ex wife and I drank ayahuasca together 100+ times.
We meditated next to each other in the mornings..
We even had clear written and signed agreements about how we handled conflict, quarterly 'couple reviews' and multi-year visions + strategy plans..
And we still separated.
Because love is not enough.
Not even love with good intentions.
Not even love with good intentions and great tools.
Why?
Because even the greatest gardener, with the best tools will FAIL in their attempt to make a plant flourish if the seed is planted in unhealthy soil.
If the roots aren't healthy,
forget about the fruits.
It would take too much work, effort and resources to keep it going.
Think of Dubai's greenery versus the Amazon jungle.
If the complex watering systems fail for a few days, most of the vegetation will be gone.
Because it's a desert, it takes great effort to keep it going.
It looks beautiful on the outside,
but it is not an organic expression of nature.
It's a curated garden.
Now, the Amazon jungle...
Most of it hasn't been touched by human hands in centuries
And you don't need anyone watering the plants or building kilometers of pipes to keep it going.
Its design is in perfect, natural order.
It just works, and self-sustains.
In fact, it's so full of life that it houses some of the greatest biodiversity on the planet.
Dubai is beautiful, but a water shortage, or a lack of continuous effort, and the sun will ensure that the green goes back to sand beige.
The Amazon, on the other hand, requires no human effort.
In fact, it requires THE ABSENCE of human intervention.
If anything, it's the human hand which has been destroying it.
So what does this have to do with my marriage?
And why should you care?
Well, relationships are similar.
If the foundations aren't healthy,
they can still work.
But it will take lots of work.
And the problem is that it's often only one of the partners shouldering that work.
And the bigger problem is that that partner will constantly feel overwhelmed, stressed, maybe even sick?
But they'll make it about themselves instead ("maybe I'm not being patient enough", "maybe I should be more compassionate", "maybe my standards are too rigid..", "maybe I'm the problem..")
"If only I invest millions of dollars every year, I might turn this desert into a bit of a garden..."
My biggest mistake in marriage was not looking deeper.
We tried to fix through date nights what was broken energetically.
We tried to fix through ayahuasca and meditation a misalignment of values.
We tried to fix through written agreements, 'conflict documents' and shared vision boards what was a lack of safety at the roots.
The good ol' rearranging furniture on a sinking ship.
Looks good,
feels good,
but it ain't the work that really matters.
So what's the work that matters?
I spent the last year going deep, everything from family constellations, Balinese priests, Tantra energy workers, Ayahuasca, Kundalini Activations, Andean medicine men and reading lots of books...
And they all pointed me in one direction:
The roots.
What are the roots?
The masculine and feminine energies within us.
In my case, I was disconnected from my feminine and my ex was disconnected from her masculine, so we were a perfect match.
But it led me to over-functioning, and controlling, while lacking compassion.
And it led her to feeling too much, tolerating too much, while lacking boundaries and a spine to draw certain lines.
Energetically I became her father and therefore turned her into my daughter.
If you had to shoulder responsibility a little too young..
Or even "babysit" your parents when you were growing up, because they just couldn't be trusted...
You were parentified.
So love carried the imprint of burden.
Because you loved your parents, but also felt deeply burdened by them.
So in your adult relationships you love, but you also feel this anxious impulse to leave, to be alone, to experience the greener grass of being single (and not having to parent your partner).
See?
Until we heal these wounds, that started with our parents, we stand ZERO chance at having a healthy AND lasting relationship.
No matter how much ayahuasca you drink, how committed you are, or how creative your tools are.
I did not know that my unresolved issues with my father and mother were the soil in which I worked hard to try and keep a relationship that just wasn't working.
I did not know that the pain I had yet to process had me pick a wife who would trigger the EXACT same pain..
Of feeling that no matter what I did it was never enough...
Of feeling overwhelmed, drained, burdened...
Of not feeling good enough.
Just like I felt with my parents.
Now, my biggest mistake in my marriage turned into my biggest blessing.
Because this was the missing piece of the puzzle.
I am a good gardener.
I have great tools.
I love taking care of my seed.
But I did not understand how to heal the soil.
And when the soil heals...
It all flows.
Love stops being this constant managing of another's emotions and it becomes a sanctuary of play, peace and passion.
It stops feeling like heavy work,
if anything, it only requires you not to mess it up.
Like the jungle.
Wild.
Passionate.
Alive.
TRUE.
That's what's possible when we heal our core wounds and deal with the roots.
And one of the deepest roots is our father.
He’s our first experience of the masculine:
Protection,
Structure,
Boundaries.
Of what it means to be chosen..
And what it means to choose safe, stable, solid love.
Or not.
When that root is wounded, it shows up everywhere.
In who we pick.
In how much we tolerate.
In how much we overthink, despite having the evidence at hand...
It’s no coincidence that, energetically, I became my wife’s father.
It was destined to happen.
No other fruits could have come out of those roots.
However, I don’t want you making the same mistake I did.
Make new ones..
But not THIS one.
So for those of you that haven't registered yet..
This Thursday (Oct 22nd, 2pm EDT), I’m hosting a live virtual workshop on healing the father wound and breaking the cycle.
It's only two hours.
We’ll find your exact pattern, release what your body has been carrying, and learn how to hold boundaries without guilt..
Whether your father is alive or not, close or distant, it doesn’t matter.
Your relationship with him lives in your heart, and that’s where the work is.
If you cannot make it live, you will get the recording.
(and the opportunity to submit your questions via email)
156+ people have already joined.
​Click Here to see the details.​
(If the link doesn’t work, we’ve closed registrations.)
Hope to see you there.
With you on the path,
Nico 'the jungle jaguar' Canon
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